Not All Mothers are Good Mothers

I was on Facebook this morning and saw one of my posts from five years ago in the "memories" section.  I remember that day very well.  My parents and I were at a restaurant down in Florida where they lived at the time.  At one point, my mother got up to go to the bathroom.  When she got back, she had an interesting story to tell.

It seems a woman overheard our conversation—politics of course—and followed my mother into the bathroom.  She approached my mother and said that I had been "brainwashed by the gays" because I support same-sex marriage.  She then told my mother that she should do something and that I should "read the Bible."

I waited to see my mother's reaction on this one as I expected her to call me out as an embarrassment once again and that I should learn to keep my mouth shut or something of that nature.

However, I found out that she told the woman off and that she should mind her own business because I was a college professor and she was proud of me.

To be honest, I was shocked.  My mother never stands up for me.  I was actually proud of her, so much so that I did a Facebook post on it.  I was thinking: maybe my mom is proud of me and is finally accepting me for who I am.  I stated that I recognize we had differing opinions on many things in that post but was so elated that she stood up for me.

Fast forward five years....

*sigh*

I was so naïve back then.

Let me give you another memory: one day in my psychopathology course in my MSW program, I was reading about personality disorders in the DSM-5.  As I was going over the symptoms for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I stopped and reread it several times.  Why?  I started envisioning my mother when I read this:

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance - Yep
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc. - I don't know about this but I can see it with her, especially the beauty one.
3. Believes that she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by (or associate with) other special or high-status people - Oh hell yes
4. Requires excessive admiration - Yep.
5. Has a sense of entitlement - Most definitely
6. Uses others to achieve personal gain - Yep
7. Lacks empathy or is unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs - Oh fuck yes.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her - The former more than the latter, but yes.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes - Have I mentioned that my mother is "never wrong" in her mind?

It really explained a lot, especially about the way she has treated me throughout my entire life.  All those years of therapy were worthless until I made this realization: my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

How did that tie into my childhood, you ask?  In her mind, I was never the Good Daughter.  I was the Embarrassment, the Black Sheep.  While she would compliment and praise me to others, my entire life has been just a stream of criticism from her.  Now I know why: I made her look bad so she had to pump me up to others to make her look good and then criticize me after the fact for being an "embarrassment."

This has completely changed my understanding of my mother.  I no longer take her criticisms personally.  To be honest, I study her in an academic way now, trying to predict how she will behave.  It is sad that this is my relationship with my mother, but to think that she will change into a Good Mother would be a bit delusional on my part.

So when I looked at that original post this morning, it gave me a more realistic understanding of what actually happened.  The woman's comments to my mother made her look as though she were a "bad" mother.  That was not going to slide in my mothers mind so, in her own way, she had to stand up for me.  By making her daughter look like the Good Daughter, she believed it would make others think that she was the Good Mother and perfect as well.

This event turned out to not be what I originally thought it was.  It's OK.  I accept who she is now.   I don't like it, but I accept it.  There is no point in getting upset or fighting her about it because it would never end in a good way.

This is also why I hate Mother's Day.  My childhood was a living hell.  Imagine growing up with your mother thinking you were an embarrassment and had to endure constant criticism.  I am jealous of people who have good relationships with their "normal" mothers.  It really hurts to see all the praise for mothers across the board.  This is why I want to remind people that not all mothers are good mothers.  Some are the source of depression, fear, and nightmares.